So, the airlines are raking in hundreds of millions in airline fees from things like extravagant extra services (you know, like luggage and reservation fees). I was thinking, maybe they need some help coming up with some future fee ideas. Heck, I have dozens of them, so why not share them?
- The POTTY: I know this idea has been mentioned before and Ryan Air was said to have been testing it, but really, a fee to enter the bathroom should be incurred for anyone who didn’t have the brains to go to the potty before boarding the plane. I mean really. Also, my idea is unique in that I would propose it be a timed fee, say $1 a minute, plus a $1 fine if you don’t wipe down the sink after use out of courtesy for the next passenger. That fine would be on the honor system though; you could just leave it in that useless razor blade receptacle slot on the wall.
- Safety Announcements: Given we all still apparently need instructions on how to use a seat-belt (you know, because we don’t travel in cars or anything), I would be happy to pay for individual (yes, one-on-one, in person) training sessions on how to get off the plane in a hurry. By the way, does ANYONE not know how to use a seat-belt? If they’re so complicated, I would bet there’s a Velcro (err, I mean hook and loop fabric, lest I upset the trademark police) someplace that will hold someone in place in the event of turbulence. The securing mechanism is a lot less complicated to explain than those modern-day engineering marvels used to keep us in place, previously referred to as “seat-belts.”
- Smiles. I like smiling flight attendants, but they are very busy taking care of all those (ugh) customers. Like for a good street performer, you should have to pay for the pleasure of seeing a smile. That should be worth $.25 cents, right? The unions would clearly want to put a cap on smiles per hour but that’s okay, we wouldn’t want the smiles to come off as phony.
- Guaranteed Pat-Down: Last I went through security and set off the metal alarm, the man complimented my bracelet and my shoes and wished me a very pleasant flight. Hey, this was a nice touch, so I say the airlines should get together with the TSA and charge for “positive experience pat-downs.” $5 is not a lot for this service. No matter how you look, they would lie to you and say you look great and say you’ve lost a few pounds. Unfortunately, you can’t request a TSA agent of the opposite sex. No joke here; you can’t. Just trust me.
- Guarantee View Fee. If you want the window, you should have to pay $25, irrespective of weather (note to airlines, please research charging a fee in the event of a sunny day accompanied by pretty clouds that look like circus animals.)
- Guarantee Aisle Seat. If you want the aisle, you should also have to pay $25. This fee however, would have to be bundled with elbow and knee pads to save you from the freight train of a beverage cart being pushed by the flight attendant who is pissed he/she didn’t get to the gym that day and is trying to get in a few minutes of cardio. But those pads cost money, so make it $35. If you bring your protective pads on the next flight, you could save the $10.
- Guarantee “No Middle” Seat. What if you don’t care if you get the aisle or window, but want to make sure you don’t get the middle? There’s a fee for that; $25, plus a $5 “indecisiveness” surcharge. Total fee $30.
- No-Baby Zone “NBZ” Fee – want to be outside the baby-zone (say by fifteen aisles)? That’s another $25. If you want a window or aisle NBZ seat, that could be packaged for $49. If you want a GNMNBZS (Guaranteed No Middle, Non-Baby Zone Seat), that’s $100 because the accounting / booking code for the fee is very long and cumbersome to the airline staff.
- Oxygen: Talk about supply and demand. If those babies pop from the ceiling, they should be accompanied with a little sign that reads, pull this mask and your credit card will be charged $50. You could argue they could charge $500, but hey, let’s not be greedy.
10. Fee Fee. I know, you’ve heard this one before but honestly, to charge fees, the airlines have to incur costs and it would be unfair to ask them to do so without remuneration. Since most of these fees would be paid by credit card and the average credit card merchant fee is 2.5%, they should just tack this Fee Fee on top of any fee.
Have any more fee ideas? Let me know.